Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Because I am a Blonde

“Hello?” Steve answered his iphone, which had been ringing incessantly for the past two seconds. 
“Hey!! Who is this? I have great news for you sir!” The excited, borderline chipmunk voice practically squealed on the other end. 
“Um, this is Steve.” Steve replied, holding his device 15cm away from his ear and cringing as he warily anticipated the response. 
“Steeeve!! We have your 5 kids ready for adoption, when do you except to swing by, sign the papers, and take the little dolls home?”
Steve grabbed the blonde hair on the top of his head, about yelling into the phone, “What in the world are you talking about? That is about as ridiculous as a milk refrigerator exit! Are you serious?” 
“Of course I am serious and what is this about a milk exit refrigerator?” The squeaky and still exuberant voice questioned. 
“Never mind the milk exit thingy. Um...why do I need to come pick up 5 kids?” Steve was beginning to hyperventilate. He never considered the fact that he could simply hang up and disregard the entire prank call. 
“If you want more information call this number and tell them to dump the kids at Murder Highway and Lifeless Drive in Midway Park.” 
The person on the other line rattled off another phone number, which Steve scrambled to scrawl down onto the back of an old gas receipt. Then they hung up abruptly, leaving Steve to make the call in a solid state of shock. 
As Mark was walking by it, the phone on the table began ringing. He jumped as if a gun had just been shot and was about to run for the exit positive that it was a smoke alarm. Then he shook himself realizing it was only a phone call coming through. No one was at the desk, so he quickly scooped up the old fashioned, touchscreen-less device and answered it. Before he could utter a word, Steve exploded on the other end. 
“Where are those kids?!?! Why do you need me to take them? For heavens sake, you picked the wrong guy to take a hand from! For all I care you can leave them at murder central and life killing park, or wherever your genius chipmunk ally said to dump them!” 
“I’m calling the police!” Mark cried, reeling backwards from the force of the shock wave which had just slammed him. He was sure that he had just stumbled across critical information and that the lives of those kids were now in his very capable hands. With his head covered in think blonde hair and full of great wisdom and knowledge far surpassing his 22 years, he was sure he that he would be their Batman and save them from inevitable murder and less life than they had now. 
On the other end Steve screamed something that Mark didn’t quite catch and then hung up. Or he could have fallen, Mark couldn’t tell, he was too focused on dialing 911. 
“Sir,” The dispatcher answered Mark’s call immediately. She was use to receiving calls every moment of the day. Nothing startled her. She was trained to stay calm and send help to the right locations. Checking the big screen in front of her to see where he was calling from she continued. “Sir, I see you are calling from Walmart. What is your emergency?”
“Some guy just called our store.” Mark blurted out. He was sweating buckets and breathing as hard as he would be if he tried to run as fast as a cheetah. 
“Sir, what is your name?” The woman asked in a steady voice. She was also trained to get people to calm down so they could share cohesive and hopefully helpful information. 
“Mark.” He gasped. 
“Mark, why did you answer the phone at Walmart? Do you work there?” 
Mark nodded. 
“Mark? I can’t hear you.” 
“I just nodded my head yes!” 
“Mark, I can’t see you.” 
“Oh, sorry.” Mark mumbled and then remembered why he was on the phone with 911. “You have to save some kids they are going to be murdered!!” 
“Mark, how do you know this?” The dispatcher asked in a patient tone, although at this point she was inwardly getting frustrated, normally by this time in a call she was actively involved in sending help, not still trying to figure out what was going on. 
“I already told you! Some guy called! Weren’t you listening?” Mark was not making any sense to her, although in his complicated and brilliant mind he of course had everything sorted. 
“Mark, I needed you to explain to me exactly what happened and why you need my help.” 
“Look, pay attention. Someone called and said to murder some kids in lifeless park.” Mark spoke very slowly trying to make the woman understand. It wasn’t working. 
“Yes, but this does not tell me anything, Mark. Lifeless park is not a real place.” 
“Yes it does! Obviously you guys have to save them!” 
“We can’t help anyone unless we know what you are talking about! Where are the kids? Who are the kids? Why do you have anything to do with any of this?” She couldn’t help it, she was getting frustrated. 
“I ALREADY TOLD YOU!” Mark was beginning to think he was going to have to save the kids himself. 
“All you have told me is that someone called your store and said something about kids. You haven’t told me anything that we as the police can go off of. How do we know you aren’t making this up?” The dispatcher answered, a touch of indignation in her voice. 
“Why don’t you just send a couple of your police minions over hear and let me talk to someone who will actually be able to help. Obviously you don’t get it.” Mark was done with the unhelpful woman who could not comprehend such a simple call for help. 
The woman got an idea. 
“Mark, stay right where you are. Don’t go anywhere.” Then she hung up. 
Mark Froze. 
After 10 minutes of hold the same position, the touchscreen-less phone still by his ear sounding the annoying dial tone, Mark finally heard sirens. A few moments later his manager and two husky policemen dashed into the back room where he was waiting not so patiently. 
“What took you so long? Can I put the phone down now?” Mark asked exasperatedly. 
“Mark, we got here as fast as we could and of course you can put the phone down.” The taller of the two officers answered moving his hand behind his back. 
“Would you like to tell us why you needed us to come help you?” The second prompted firmly. 
Mark slapped his forehead. 
“For heaven’s sake, I don’t need your help.” 
“MARK!!!” His manager exploded. 
“That’s it.” The shorter of the two police officers moved behind Mark and grasped his upper arms with an iron grip. At the same time the first whipped out the handcuffs he’d had his hand on. 

“Mark you are under arrest for pranking the police.” 

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHHAHAHA!!!! This had me laughing the whole time!!!!!!